Saturday, December 22, 2012

My Sacrament


As an opening paragraph to my next blog I need to explain that writing, for me, is my best teacher. The spirit finally gets a chance to penetrate my consciousness and my understanding of what the inspiration is actually about finally comes as I write down the feelings and thoughts that cross my mind and heart in that moment. This specific post actually happened a few weeks ago during a sacrament meeting as I considered the offenses that I've incurred against the laws of God and against the very loving nature that I feel from him. I typed this post into my phone and then copied it to this blog, so I hope it reveals itself as coherent and worthwhile to read.
 
Here it is....
 
The question I've been asking myself all week as I observed my weaknesses and tendencies and even addictions to sin, "Am I willing to give this up?" The thought crossed my mind as I felt pessimistic and negative turbulence eminating from the epicenter of my soul's core, like the rippling waves that roll outward from a source of interruption. Again the thought bull dozes its way across my minds center stage and once it's got all my attention it boldly asks, " you're about to take the sacrament as a symbol of your repentance, if you take it unworthily you'll lose more of your soul and make it that much harder to truly repent down the road, are you sure you want to take that piece of bread?" 
What does The Lord think as I sit here moments before the emblem if his Son's flesh and blood are about to be offered me, still unprepared to make the decision of full repentance.  How does he feel knowing the pain he suffered as his only begotten son was beaten, bruised, torn, spit upon, rejected after thousands of miracles were granted and administered to the ungrateful, revolting creatures that were now killing his only child? Not to mention that countless drops of blood that God himself must've caused his son to bleed as he placed the punishment of yours and my sins upon his only perfect offspring strong enough to survive the torture of paying the price. Whatever could cause a supreme being with infinite amounts of love to allow,or even cause, such torture to happen to his only son? The answer I've been taught my whole life in response to this question is "Eternal Life. "

What is the value of Eternal Life? Why is Eternal Life so inconceivable? My perspective of what Eternal Life is derived from what I see that God has done so all his children can obtain it. His pain, his anger, his sorrow, his disappointment.. In all of us.. In empathy for his son's pain..

The value of Eternal Life must be able to be seen or experienced in other ways. Maybe in the giggling of children, or the returning home of a loved one who's been gone for awhile, or maybe we can sense the peace and tranquility of Heaven as we climb mountains and escape from chaotic living. Maybe those small moments that happen every once in a great while when our heart is full of love for our family, our friends, and strangers even as we recognize that they're family too, maybe those moments are God's gift to us to show us what his greatest gift will one day be to all who qualify themselves through the atonement of the savior. 

So, as the sacramental bread is disbursed and I consider my state and my attitude, my ingratitude and my ignorance to the suffering of anyone else besides myself, completely blind to the greatest gift God hopes to give me and at what cost to himself and his son, I soon realize just how mortal I really am. 
I choose to partake. Not to show The Lord that I'm willing to retake my covenants upon myself, but to show myself, to make again the same commitment and officially change the direction of my internal compass to more carefully align with God's. 

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